Whoster the Racist Snake

There was a snake. A racist snake. His name, Whoster. And every night when the moon was at its highest, he would crawl out from his hiding place and roam the streets with all of the other miscellaneous weirdos that were drawn out by the darkness. But every year, when the sun was the hottest, Whoster would come out to roast, sunbathing European style. Whoster was an orange monster who enjoyed drawing cute faces on lemons and drinking heavy fills of gasoline. But his most favoritest activity was to trap Jews in pizza ovens and listen to them scream.

There came a day under the sun when a young lad named Zar, a demon who possessed single women, asked Whoster, "why so racist?"

Whoster the Racist Snake replied, "hey, there's the Chrysler building. I'm here, you're here, you're dead." And Whoster tried to throw Zar off the Chrysler building, but Zar was too cool for school and instantly mongooseified and leaped over the Racist Snake and tore off his tail. But whoa, Whoster bit him in the face, hard-ish. Zar blinding Whoster with his own urine, and Whoster fell off the Chrysler building and died. But he lived to tell about it. When he came home, it was too late. His X-wife, Vipera, had stolen all of his grapes. He swore to gain his revenge and began to gather the Taliban who rose up against Vipera. But her awesomesauce girl power killed them all. But in the end, Vipera still begged for Whoster to take her back, or she would take all of his money again.

"I still love yoh!" Whoster said and the two were remarried. They had a fabulous wedding with an ice sculpture, a chocolate fountain, statues, and strawberries. BUR THEN, the cool bandit guys came in and started shooting their potato guns all about the room. Sixty pounds per square inch, blasting holes through the walls and peoples' heads. Suddenly, Whoster defended his bride by biting the bandits with his racist venom and killing them. But alas, the glorious vengeance was interrupted as the gang leader arrived. A tall and skeletally thin man wearing a huge top hat and a creepily wide smile. 'Twas Darkel, who was notorious for being notorious. He stabbed Whoster with his gun. Suddenly the government came crashing through the windows and started shooting at stuff. Darkel shot Whoster two hundred and sixty eight times, and ate his face with his rectum. But Whoster used his psychic powers to tell the future and dodged Darkel's poisonous bread slice ninja stars. Vipera began to attack, taking the form of a gargantuan Space Sheep and ravaging the battlefield. The government shot down Darkel, defeating him.

"No, Whoster. I am your father," Darkel said in his last breath. Whoster shouted in agony. But then the government arrested him and took him into their most secret headquarters, where all secrets lied. Whoster, filled with despair from the loss of his enemy, begged Donn, the Irish god of darkness to end his life immediately. But no reply came. Whoster then talked to the government and attempted to explain everything.

"And so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed just to get it all out, what's in my head. And I'm feeling a little peculiar. And so I wake in the morning and I step outside and I take a deep breath and get real high, and I scream from the top of my lungs, 'WHAT'S GOIN' ON?' And I say, heyeayeayeaye, heyeayea. I say hey, what's goin' on?"

Immediately Celo came through the walls, Japaning. She instantly cast a spell over the government men, paralyzingly them. "Whoster, I was sent by Zeus to tell you that you are chosen, a demigod. You must fulfill your destiny and defeat the antiracist dragon!" Celo began to Japan, and Whoster was transported to the lair of the dragon. The dragon was black, protesting against the racist snake a thousand blasphemes. "Who art thou, rival?" asked the dragon.

"I am Saint Whoster, hero of Al Qaeda," Whoster proclaimed. "What do they call you, mighty dragon?"

"I am King of the Junior Luther, of Martin!" the dragon shouted. "I have a dream! A dream to see you dead, oh snake!"

Whoster and the dragon fought quite hard. They began to ravage the streets of Tokyo. But finally, the dragon bested Whoster as it threw him off of the Chrysler building three times.

And they never heard of him again.