Inconceivable Cheese

Nakion set Lellis down grudgingly, having watched the others shove past him and explore the short hall. He took a few steps inside and found the door with his name inscribed on it. Cautiously, he shouldered his rifle and pushed the door open, a faint hiss escaping him. He froze inside the doorframe, in shock. Of course, what he saw was a near-perfect replica of his room back on Asharr-Vas.

Each corner was outfitted with what could only be described as the world’s largest lava lamps. They were long and thin and didn’t take up too much space, but gave the room a lovely orange light. The center of the room was taken up by a large, round bed that looked soft and inviting. Around the bed were heated vents that blew heated air into the room. Peering down into the vents Nakion could make out the fires below. This could not exist. He’d seen this room- along with his entire house- hours ago melt into a river of lava. He’d watched his belongings become claimed by the planet. This room did not exist anymore, and yet here it was. However, as much as he suddenly felt the desire to shred the place with his claws, he couldn’t help but realize it was a pleasant 120 degrees. He reached out and cranked up the thermal heating via a device on the wall. Sure enough, the place got even warmer. For the first time since he’d arrived on this strange place, Nakion was comfortable. He kicked the door shut and locked it.


As Valliance looked about his room he noticed how quiet it seemed, which was unusual for what he considered home. There was no thrum of distant power generators, no laughing of his parents or sibling, and no cheerful, distant singing by the dwelling pirates. He walked over to a section of the wall where a door should have been, that would have lead out into a hall and into the main body of the Third Moon. He reached out and placed a palm where the handle would have been. It was cool to the touch, smooth, and lacking texture. This experience made Valliance feel odd. A strange twisting in his stomach. Unbidden he felt the urge to cry. Silently he shook his head and attempted to banish this sentiment. He would not cry. Pirate lords did not cry.

Valliance walked over to his bed, a little rectangle of a mattress suspended in the air by a couple cables his father had hooked up especially for him. He sat down on it and rocked for awhile, trying to avoid looking across the room at the empty bed that belonged to his sister. She wasn’t here. Seeing her half of the room so desolately empty was eerie.

It was then Valliance realized he could not sleep here. Not in this spooky sham of a place that was trying very hard to look like his home. It wasn’t home. All it did was make him feel homesick. He got up and exited the room, shutting the door behind him. Maybe he would sleep out in the hall instead. He looked up and noticed Lellis standing in the hall by the door that lead out of the hall. The silver feline was eyeing Valliance oddly, and had an enormous toothy grin plastered across his face. The worst part was he was just standing there, unblinking, arms slightly extended and tail fixed in place. Blocking the only exit out of this hall.

Sleeping in the hall no longer seemed like a good option. Backing away from the crazed feline, Valliance glanced at the names on the doors until he found Wev’s. He pushed it open and slipped inside. Shutting it behind him, he breathed a small sigh of relief and turned to examine Wev’s room.

Wev sat on his bed with a slight frown on his face. How could any of this be real? It was all too perfect. He walked to one of the many instruments lining his room and flipped the switch on it's side. It flickered on in the same way it did back home. He was about to test it further when Valliance came into his room. Wev smiled. He wouldn't have liked anyone else invading his 'studio', but Valliance had been good company so far.

"Hey, Valliance! Watch your step, I wouldn't want you to trip on my giant mess of wires."

Wev looked a bit closer and noticed that he was on the verge of crying, though he was trying very hard to hide it. Wev was starting to feel a bit upset himself, but decided Valliance needed someone to lean on, so he tried not to show it. He walked to his bed and sat on the side, motioning Valliance to sit by him.

"Are you doing okay?"

Taking up Wev’s offer, Valliance walked over and sat down next to him. “I’m okay. My room is a little weird,” he admitted, eyes downcast. “It’s too… quiet.” He decided not to tell Wev that Lellis sort of gave him the creeps, despite his original assumption that the odd feline was harmless. Something about the way he’d looked at the end of the hall… Valliance shivered.

"Yeah, I know what you mean." Wev paused for a moment, realizing how he might be able to help.
"You know, I can't re-create the sounds youre used to hearing at home, but I can make something to listen to."
He jumped up and walked over to the instrument he switched on earlier. He flipped a few more switches to show a circular interface similar to the one in the small disc he was using earlier, but with many more bells and whistles. A low, calm lullaby began filling the room as Wev continued to add more parts and harmonies to the song.

Vessyr didn't much care for her room.  It was weird and quiet and trying far too hard to be like home.  And it wasn't quite succeeding.  She scowled at it from where she was sitting on the bed.  It was too familiar, but absolutely not right.  Abruptly, she got up, went to one corner of the room, and kicked a set of drawers over.  It landed on the ground with a thud, and she shoved it over into a corner.  She pushed a few other bits of furniture to other places, trying to make the room as little like her own as possible.  Finally, she pulled the mattress off her bed and to the opposite corner, and pushed the bedframe vertically so it was leaning against the wall.  There.  It wasn't perfect, and something about it still seemed wrong, but she could deal with it.  She curled up in the bed, and tried to sleep.


Shade did not like his room at all.  It wasn't real, it couldn't be real, and the door was following him.  It was like the room itself was tiny, and was only pretending to be big.  And the longer he stayed there, the more he thought about it, the less alive the trees seemed.  Yes, he could still sense all of them, but they were wrong.  They seemed faint, twisted, as if they weren't real at all.  But how could someone fake life?  He turned to the door, disconcerting as it was, opened it, and left.

He wasn't sure where he was going, initially, but when he saw Lellis standing in the doorway, his choices became much more limited.  He didn't like the look Lellis had in his face, and he was trying his hardest not to pay attention to the odd feline's mind.  He checked all the doors, quickly, trying not to look at Lellis, and settled on Wev's.  Without knocking, he pulled the door halfway open, slipped through, and closed it behind him as quickly as he could.

Valliance watched Wev work and smiled with delight when the music filled the room. “Wow,” he breathed, amazed. He was quite enjoying the spectacle and the sounds when the door open and Shade came in. Valliance waved at him slowly.

Lellis meanwhile, was staring at the ‘replacement Thukr’ that had just appeared. “Hello there little girl,” Lellis cooed creepily, peering down at her. “You just fell from a pillar of hands. How’d you do that? Are you a magician? I am too!”

Wev looked over at Valliance to see that was enjoying his music. Wev smiled. He had never had much of an audience back home, so he was glad to see someone liked it. He heard the faint rattle of the doorknob and turned around to see Shade standing in his room. He still didnt know what he thought of Shade. He didnt seem to be threatening in any way, but Wev just found him unnerving. It wasn't Shade's fault though, so he decided he might as well try to get along anyway. Wev smiled at him.

"Oh, hi Shade. What brings you here?"

The little girl looked up at Lellis, slightly confused, "Uh, sorta. I'm what you would call a witch. In my opinion, magicians are really lame." She got up and brushed Thukr's limestone off of her clothes. She had a very bland look on her face, "My name's Mahgin, president of the student body in the bladewitch academy. Care to tell me what's going on?"

Lellis nodded. “Yes, yes magicians are rather, aheh, lame as you say.” He paused for a long moment uncomfortably close to the girl’s face. To anyone paying attention, they would have noticed his teeth were noticeably sharper than they had been a mere half hour ago. Unfortunately, Mahgin hadn’t been around earlier, so there wasn’t a way for her to tell. “As for what’s going on,” Lellis continued, “I haven’t the faintest idea. I simply must go and clean out the dust demons from the castle now, so if you would be so kind, go find your room and be a good girl for the rest of the evening. If the others see you, tell them not to open the door.” With that, he shoved Mahgin through the door and threw a silver key in after her. Then he slammed the door shut, and it locked audibly.

For a moment Lellis rested his back against the door, and peered down the long spiral steps. It was going to be a long night. He dropped down onto all fours and began racing down the stairs, screaming as he went.

Mahgin walked down the hall, noticing all the weird creatures. She had seen some weird things in her time, but not nearly as weird as something like Wev. She decided not to judge, as that would only bring prejudices, which certainly wasn't helpful. She checked her Oracle device, but it had no connection. She pressed a button on it and spoke to it, "Sulfr, where am I?" The AI that she mentioned did not respond.

She caught the door that Shade opened before it could close, "Is it just me or does no one know what's going on around here? I need some answers."

Shade was about to answer Wev when he realized the door was still open, and there was someone behind him. He whirled around, jumping back, and blasted the intruder with fear. He was scared, and someone had snuck up on him. The strange new person was lucky to be sent something as harmless an an emotion. He cut himself off in less than a second, realizing that the new person probably meant no harm, and instead darted to the back of the room. This left Valliance and Wev to deal with the intruder.

An overwhelming sense of dread loomed over Mahgin, but didn't last long enough to leave her terribly scared. All that it really did was cause her to jump. She then said while shaking, "Jeez, good job on nearly giving me a heart attack! That could've been really useful!" Breathing deeply, she collected herself and made a mental note to steer clear of Shade.

Wev let out a slight, unnoticeable sigh. He was getting a little irritated at everyone in the castle deciding they needed to be in his room, but he had to make good first impressions, so he had to live with it. He managed to smile again

"Hello, whats your name?"

Mahgin responded to Wev, "I'm Mahgin Bahst, president of the associated student body of bladewitch academy. A big role for a small girl if you ask me." She summoned a minty green orb and crushed it as soon as it fully manifested. Mahgin then spoke again with a seemingly uninterested tone, "You must be Wev, and you're Valliance. I can tell by my insight spell."

Valliance looked at the new girl, surprised to see someone shorter than himself. He stood at 4’ 10’’ and everyone he’d seen so far was taller than he… but not this person. Being a bit sleepy, she didn’t hold much interest for him until she said his name and claimed to be using magic. He rubbed his eyes and tried to sit up straighter, not wanting to miss any interesting information.

Shade was not impressed. People who used magic for something so simple were rarely to be trusted, in his experience. He also had no idea what all the things Mahgin had said meant, but she seemed very proud. He eyed her from across the room, unblinking, and hardly moving. 'Why are you here?' he asked, tipping his head slightly to one side. It wasn't a hostile question, but it was hardly friendly either.

A reply was sent to Shade, through Mahgin's own telepathy, 'I don't know actually. I just found myself sitting in a pile of whatever that was.'

She then asked about Lellis, "What's the deal with that cat person? Somethings really weird about him. He gave me this key, but didn't really explain what its for." She held up the silver key that Lellis had tossed down the hall.

Wev revieved Shade's message, which then seemed to be met by silence. He turned to look at Shade and noticed that he looked like he was listening to something, but whatever it was, Wev couldnt hear it. He figured Mahgin must have had telepathy too, she just wasnt sending it to everyone. Wev didn't want to interupt, so he decided he could ask shade later, and sat back down next to Valliance on his bed.

Valliance, now backed by a large fluffy Wev, lost all ability to resist sleep. He closed his eyes and attempted to ignore everyone around him. This time however, he made sure not to fall asleep on top of his sword. He snuggled close to Wev’s side and tucked his nose under his tail, curled up like a kitten.

Mahgin shrugged. "Well okay then. Goodnight I guess." She walked out of the room, and went further down the hall. The door at the end of the hall had her name carved into it. She didn't notice it at first, and ended up preforming a double take. A look of confusion conquered her face. She looked over her shoulder, and then back to the doorknob. A twist was forced unto it, and with that, she was in what seemed to be her room. Other than the entire balcony being absent, it was perfect. There was even the same laptop siting on her desk. Just out of curiosity, she flipped open the computer. Not to her surprise, there was no internet connection. There were some strange programs on it that she'd never seen before. There was one with an icon of a blue cartoony galaxy, but the words were in some strange language; it looked a lot like what her kind called foromnish. She suspected that it was some sort of malware, so she just deleted it. She wandered over to her bed. The bed wasn't identical to her own, but it would suffice. Mahgin climbed into bed, but didn't fall asleep for about two hours.

Wev sleepily nodded to Shade, since it wasn't like he was going to be loud and wake Valliance up anyway. He curled up around Valliance to keep them both warm, and drifted off to sleep.

Valliance dreamed. He was back by the lake with his father, reeling in the enormous fish.

The castle creaked as the night progressed, keeping up the lighter sleepers with its characteristic noises and spooky sounds. This was all fairly normal for an old building, but between the settling sounds came something much more eerie. The sound of screaming filtered in faintly to the hidden, impossible hallway. Something heavy pounded on the door, but it didn’t budge.

* * *

Morning came. It was impossible to tell what it was like outside being that none of the rooms had windows, but there was a certain sense about the place that woke Valliance. He lifted his head and blinked rapidly. He let loose a huge yawn, stretched, and stood up. He realized belatedly that his movements probably woke Wev, and began whispering sorry, sorry under his breath.


Nakion, on the other hand, woke up freezing. He hissed in annoyance and casually lit on fire, the red line from his nose to the end of his tail excreting a substance that combusted on contact with the air. At first it made him look like he had a mane of fire, but eventually these flames covered his entire body, with the exception of a small part of his face and hands. Grudgingly he got up off his bed and began putting his armor back on, extinguishing himself. He hadn’t forgotten that the room was fake, but it didn’t make him feel any safer. Fully armed once again, he kicked the door open and went out into the hall. Nakion tried to ignore the fact that the hallway could not exist and be structurally sound. He suspected there was something more at work here, but had nothing to go on and didn’t feel like becoming an expert in physics today.

Outside the door, Nakion looked down the hall. He was surprised to see Lellis at the end by the door, casually sitting on a stool with a book in-hand. He seemed to be very interested in the tome, and hadn’t noticed Nakion.

Vessyr was up and moving almost the moment she was awake.  She grabbed her weapons from the top of the sideways shelf, and went to open the door- then stopped.  She looked over her shoulder at the small drawer set with the fake weapons in it.  Something about it still upset her, and it hadn't gotten any better overnight.  Perhaps it had gotten worse.  Abruptly, she aimed the blaster on her sword at the cabinet and pulled the trigger.  She growled quietly, and left the room, fully intending not to go back.


Shade was already awake when Valliance got up.  He was sitting on the floor, and didn't appear to be doing much.  He tipped his head slightly in Valliance's direction, but did nothing else.

Wev awoke to Valliance getting up. After taking a moment to remember where he was, he heard Valliance whisper an apology. 'That's alright,' Wev responded in a half-yawn.